Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
