I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
