Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Randomize
