the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Every concussion has its silver lining
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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