I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
he just fucked me for my cheese..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
