I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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