Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
