just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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