theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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