My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
