this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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