I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My cat gives me a boner
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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