you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
