Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
