my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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