All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
