he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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