I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
