if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
