know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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