I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
