Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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