two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm bleeding and have questions
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize