she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
