I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
