Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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