I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
