a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
