I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
