Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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