I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
