If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Acid is not a monday night drug
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
