i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
