dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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