if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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