u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
