do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Randomize
