I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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