this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
