I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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