I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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