when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ladies don't puke and tell
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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