I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
