the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
