I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize