He asked me if I "almost moaned"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
