I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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