So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
