I need help removing her.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize