I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
