im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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