4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
