He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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