Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
